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N.A.S.A
SPACE TECHNOLOGY
THE KODAK LABORATORIES
MODERN SCIENCE
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THE SHROUD OF TURIN
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The Far Side
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Wrapping Presents for Cat Owners.
Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
- Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
- Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
- Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
- Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
- Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
- Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
- Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
- Remove present from bag.
- Remove cat from bag.
- Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
- Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
- Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
- Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
- Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
- Place present on cut-to-size paper.
- Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
- Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
- Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
- Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
- Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
- Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
- Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
- Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
- Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
- Put present in box, and tie down with string.
- Remove string, open box and remove cat.
- Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
- Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
- Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
- Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
- Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas
.
- Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
- Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
- Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
- Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
- Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
Plan that next year, you will get the store to wrap the present and cage the cat for you. |
Did you know that many non-living things have a gender?
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over- inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
While we are on the subject.
What is often said, and the true meaning!
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse. |
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