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“The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet”...Dave Barry
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Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking yourself.
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"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”...Jim Bishop
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor, "what kind is it?" "Twelve thirty.
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A girl says to an Indian salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."
He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of
the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake was barking
and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
**********
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how
to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the
necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking
with your partner."
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group
raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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A Jewish guy is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman
who's lying on the sidewalk.
The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
The Jewish guy rolls down the window, and starts yelling, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"
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"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd
learned in seven years.”...Mark Twain
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"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.”...Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)
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"Tradition is what you get when you don't have the time or the money to do it right.”...Kurt Herbert Adler (1905-1988)
Government Verbosity:
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer:
66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words. The 10 Commandments: 179
words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence:
1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words.
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"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you too can become great. “...Mark Twain
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Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about
it all, she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."
So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still you can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said, "Honey child, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
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A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a strawberry growing
out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on
it."
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A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a lettuce leaf sticking
out of his ass.
Doctor says, "Hmmmm, that's strange."
The
guy replies, "That's just the tip of the iceberg."
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Six months after a French waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the man in the great beyond.
During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I can't. It's not my table." |
A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American
woman and they decide to get married.
When his mother hears the news,
however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him to marry
a nice Jewish girl.
When she hears that not only is he marrying this
Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation,
the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the
boy, practically disowning him.
After a year, the son telephones
the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child.
The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension
in the air.
Nine months later, the son calls the mother again.
"Mom," he
says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth
to a healthy baby boy.
I also wanted to tell you that we've talked
it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."
Upon
hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she
gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have
made me the happiest woman in the world."
"That's great, Mom," replies
the son. "And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"
The son
proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish!"
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Q: What separates five female nymphomaniacs from two
alcoholics?
A: A cockpit door.
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Egotist: A person more
interested in himself than in me...Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s
Dictionary, 1911
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"After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular,
premium, and unleaded."
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A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself
off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little
paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do
a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple
of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for
the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.
"I'm
afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be I'm
just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been
having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like
that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles
with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't
do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've
been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried
the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper
bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO!
I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then
there can be only one explanation." said the doctor. "Your mother must
have been a carrier."
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"It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.”...Ancient Chinese Saying
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Old Rabbi Wolfson was begging his board of directors to buy a new
chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he
sat down sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier.
Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we
wasting time talkin' for?" he said rhetorically. "Foist
of all, a chandelier, ... we ain't got nobody who could even
spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it. And
third, what we need most in the synagogue is more light!"
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Did you hear about the short sighted Circumciser?
He got the sack!
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It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.
Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
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Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to head south.
In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end.
But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut. |
